


repetition of fear and trembling

by Dystopiosphere (Nefism)



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Angst, F/F, Mental Breakdown, Murder, Nohr | Conquest Route, Philosophy, Religious Idealogy, Strangulation, mature content, triggering content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-08
Updated: 2016-08-08
Packaged: 2018-08-07 10:24:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7711369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nefism/pseuds/Dystopiosphere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a Princess, who sworn her fealty to Nohr, becomes a Knight in her love for Azura. But sometimes becoming a Knight is not always the best choice...</p>
            </blockquote>





	repetition of fear and trembling

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ethereally](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ethereally/gifts).



> "When around one everything has become silent, solemn as a clear, starlit night, when the soul comes to be alone in the whole world, then before one there appears, not an extraordinary human being, but the eternal power itself, then the heavens open, and the I chooses itself or, more correctly, receives itself. Then the personality receives the accolade of knighthood that ennobles it for an eternity."
> 
>  
> 
> _Kierkegaard_

There are times where Corrin has the free time between peace talks among multitudes of alpha personalities, of sitting through war councils, of talking out her ass to justify her gut feelings on unplanned planned attacks. There are times in which she can just breathe. Breathe, and think nothing past her next inhale, her next step, and the next moment. Not how to predict, and project; how to reap well by sowing little; how to end with as little casualties.

Moments like these are when Corrin slides under the covers and prods Azura with cold fingers until her lover and best friend is squirming under the pillows giggling. Where warm hands catch hers, Azura blows blanket-humid kisses, and shares fond smiles under the waning afternoon that chills from the oncoming evening. Smiles become soft touches before they both hide under the covers, and whisper secrets to one another.

Sometimes the secrets were important, like how Azura got so mad one time she burst into crocodile tears and lied that Takumi hit her even when he didn’t. Or how Corrin ended up puking in Xander’s lap at one of the royal annual events when she was eight. But most of the time, the secrets were small and petty, or wistful, or funny. Like how Corrin asked Jakob to help her sew tags on both sides of Leo’s collar to make him throw a fit in confusion. Or how Azura got stuck in a tree thanks to a bunch of dogs chasing her onto it, but made friends with many birds even if she was missing the entire day.

They talked deeply, examining and relating their shared histories: of being stolen, or adopted in the tangled ties of two countries so soaked in misery and arrogance that they couldn't even conceive the idea of a truce unless betrayal was behind it. The history logs are full of deceptions and untruths, and it is only by asking the older maids marred by age, and striving by their own wicked strength that got them through each generation that paints shattered pictures of history.

History unclaimed by historians, vivid in their accounts, heartbreaking and agonizing by the first accounts of misery and of how a young King Garon, charismatic and fair if stern turned vile and cruel in his own grief with the death of Katerina. And how that grief halted with the marriage of Arete before some ill accident had befallen her, leaving the King’s family in disarray as the many mistresses planned assassinations on the surviving heirs. Many thought that this bloody ill-will towards his legitimate and illegitimate children, lead his further astray when the loss of Queen Katerina, and Lady Arete.

Corrin would ask the old maids, "What kind of accident?" The crone would smile a lipless smile, and hush her to say that maids' gossip was too vulgar for a princess who have yet to bleed. Corrin would pout and tug before Gunther would sweep around the corner with a wry grin at the eldest maid. Before she could even notice the con, he was hauling her up under his arm like a sad limpet and thoroughly distracting her before teaching her how to ambush someone-- and she'd forget why she was there in the first place.

It was handy when she managed to throw a circle pan of Felicia’s like a frisbee right when Xander was stepping down, and tripping him in the process. It was by luck that Leo was strangled with Xander grabbing his dumb cape thing at the time, and it was by even pure luck that Elise tackled Xander at that same exact moment in her own ambush that knocked the two brothers unconscious.

The sheer glee that swept across Camilla’s face as she witnessed the scene was priceless. Elise’s parting remark before she healed them that sealed the deal for the trio of sisters.

“Oh, wow. How’s that for Royal pains?”

Corrin had lost her memory, shock and trauma suppressing her memory but maybe, in the deeper more cynical edges of her mind, it was muddied by ancient magicks brought by King Garon. But shock or magick, it left her reeling mentally and frail in body for long seasons after the incident. She didn’t think being contained to a dreary, isolated castle hidden behind staunch forests and barren cliffs in a land with a persistent dusk overcast helped much, if any, at all.

Flores and Felicia were her first assigned maids, but Lilith was enfolded into the group with little hassle. Their complementary personalities made it easy for them all to coexist and divide duties depending on each of their individual strengths, while Felicia was clumsy with easily broken chinaware; she was great with duties that needed a stronger dose of elbow grease.

Flora was a perfectionist but was better suited to having kept her on track with her duties as a royal child under the Nohrian throne, along with the schedule of being an educated heir with welcomed tutors in the many fields of knowledge. Subjects she hated with a passion but fortunately she had Leo to help her with her studying techniques and Gunter to help her with her strategy with practical applications.

It’s probably why she adopted Silas as a youth before she forgot him (ancient magicks, her cynical mind whispered, why else would you forget your best friend of all things?) He helped her escape the confines of the castle's walls, explore the lands around, and helped her dreams of travels to distant lands grow. Her hunger to experience the cultures and values of other far lands sustained her through her education and developed her interest to the point where she devoured book after book on geography and history.

Jakob was adopted into their fold, Gunter having bucked him up into a reasonable and efficient young man that grew into a proficient and seasoned adult. Jakob was a tiny little waif that didn’t know his hands from his ass, and was dead set on becoming the finest butler that Corrin would ever have. It was a goal that would be broken each and every day as Jacob raised the standard for himself and others.

Gunther, who was always there by duty or other, ended up becoming her father figure. It became the norm to see her curled up in the cradle of his arms when out of sight from the castle inhabitants. He taught her how to ride her first horse, helped her turn to religion when the answers she sought were found wanting, and even helped her through her first blood despite her locking the door and her crying that she must have eaten flesh eating bugs.

Azura however was old enough to remember her kidnapping, and despite being uprooted from an isolated life in the castle much like Corrin a fairly well off life with the Hoshidans. It affected much of her reservation towards strangers-- but after she got to know and understood others' motivations, Azura ended up being as assertive as any other child from a royal lineage.

She cared much for her new brethren and new country, considering it home as much as anything else despite her own birthright, but she also was as much as skeptical with other's words until the actions matched them. While she did fine in the dark, humid and drafty conditions made her seek out an open area free of enclosed spaces.

While she had great relationship with everyone but Takumi, she understood and empathized with him. But it still didn't mean that the stark amount of one-sided distrust from Takumi didn't hurt her but it was an old pain, nothing that kept her up at night anymore. Yet now it was freshly scraped over became of the stark profiling that happened because Corrin chose to side with the family that she remembered caring for her, not the phantom family that appears in glimpses and nightmares.

There was a lot of hurt brewing because of how deep war sets it's claws into every area of your life. Sakura is under custody, as well as her retainers, and Azura could see the cracks behind those beautiful red-brown eyes, shadowed with grief and fury at senseless violence in her name.

Ryoma died at his own hand to spare Corrin. The old man sage died with resignation set on his and Corrin’s face, people she fought along side with, people who were just fighting to be free from tyranny, Takumi committing suicide despite his body not being found, fighting against her own Hoshidan and Nohrian siblings, as well as fighting the continuously sabotaging and suicidal missions that King Garon sent her on.

Azura can see it taking a toll on Corrin, in the quiet moments were she thought she was alone but Azura can tell. Azura can see the shaking hands, the slouching shoulders, the rattling sighs and gasping sobs, the thinness to her wrists, the almost violent and desperate edge to her fighting, and the rigid and dullness that sets in her figure after each battle.

However the most startling thing is the increased and sheer agony that are said in the prayers to Lilith. Prayers that are coming more fervently, more frequently and lasted longer and longer as the passage of the war continues to roll forward. Azura could only wait for her with a hot mug of tea in bed and wrap her in as many blankets because these prayers are something she can't be a part of.

Azura doesn't believe in Corrin’s Avi and Avi’s higher being. So she can't walk this ritual with Corrin but wait and wait and be there for when Corrin has found her center for one more day. Azura wasn't not jealous; sometimes you need something otherworldly to help you across when the river is too high for one to traverse alone.

But this is how their relationship evolved from just being platonic to something more. Where Corrin was assertive, Azura was weak, and where Corrin couldn't cope Azura was there to pull her together before they could break and weep in the circle of each other's arms, crying over what could have been and what was lost.

Where there were situations that needed Nohrian societal values, Corrin led and taught with a laugh, and Azura was there to meet her and poke fun at her clumsy handling of eating utensils and Hoshidan knowledge. Sometimes Corrin felt neither Nohrian nor Hoshidan due to the circumstances of her childhood, but Azura was quick to reassure that sometimes it the people that justify your existence, not your country or birthplace.

It took a long while for Corrin to understand that but in the end she was content that she didn't have to choose a country to call her own; she was neither Nohrian nor Hoshidan in the end. Because of the choices that defined her from even before the beginning, she publically betrayed Hoshido all the while trying to erode the throne out from under King Garon.

She was treasonous no matter how she justified her actions, she was indirectly manipulating her siblings to commit an act of patricide, and if she failed she was committing an entire army behind her to be executed along with their captives. And she only had the efforts of Avi to guide her.

 

* * *

 

Corrin grinned and blew a loud raspberry against Azura's neck, making her jolt awake from her nap and slap Corrin in the tit. Corrin frowned mockingly as she rubbed the slope of her breast in mock injury.

“Wow, you're such a dick, babe. Hitting me in the tit like that.” Corrin huffed out before squawking as the blunette jabbed a finger in her tit again, making a small red mark appear.

“I can't be a dick if I don't have one, you cotton for brains.” Azura's sassed with a smile as she curled her body around Corrin's back, hands stretching and eyes closed as she laid there in the midmorning light, she was still sleep warm but she had lost the warmth of the blankets.

She heard a pronounced slurp before a hot mug was placed in her cold hands, and she grinned before sitting up against the headboard next to Corrin who was reading a book. She swaddled from the hips down in a small fleece blanket pulled from the couch.

“Thanks.” Azura said as she leaned against her lover's shoulder as she sipped at her tea, made just how she liked it with honey and milk. Corrin liked her coffee crawling out of the pot like a miniature faceless, set on a journey down the heroine’s gullet like a prisoner.

“It's a good thing you don't like your women like you like your coffee.” Azura joked with Corrin peering at her before making a noisily slurp that was more of a placebo of thought then to be annoying.

“You mean dark, bitter, and overwhelming? Like you are?” Corrin set her cup down. “Or tasteful, fragrant, and expensive? Seems to be you again. Or maybe,” Corrin smiled before kissing Azura's forehead.

“Warm, earthy, and full of life.”

 

* * *

 

Later that night, they were on the roof after battle councils and planning contingency plans A-H-- and even suicide all-and-nothing plans for when those contingency plans don't work, numbers 1-3. Corrin knew Azura didn't want to think about it when it didn't work out, or if it didn't work out. But it helped Corrin and Azura when they were able to talk about the after.

They were swaddled in all their blankets and in the thicket of the branches near the roof of their room, Corrin having built a lousy but sturdy platform for them to sit on along with a shelf with books and empty mugs that they never had the want to wash until they ran out. Or until they knocked one off the shelf when playing too rough on the platform which left the area below the tree a danger zone lest someone get brained by a mug.

“After, after should we have kids or adopt?” Azura murmured as she inhaled the fragrance of her tea, having successfully gotten Rhajat to hide the entire inventory of coffee beans for the next week for candid sleepy photos of Corrin and a planned Beach trip after the war with Corrin in a two-piece. While she loved Corrin to the very depths of her heart, the bitter coffee kisses she could beg out until later.

Corrin stopped at her juice, before staring at how it swirled in her mug. “We could surrogate one at a time I guess. It wouldn’t hurt to ask one of the guys to donate their seed.”

Azura nudged Corrin, “But which ones?”

Corrin stare at Azura with a frown. “The ones that won’t shout, ‘My achin’ dick shall bestow the seed of my dark loins.’”

Azura just stared before burying her face in her hands.

Corrin shrugged, “It's true. He’s dumb, they’re all dumb. Let’s find two men who we do not know and pay for their seed so they can’t say we stole their lineage.”

Azura just nodded before uncovering her face and sighing. “Names? I don’t think we should have a name until they’re blaring in our ears and making a mess.”

Corrin grinned, “You’ll be a great mom, dealing with poopy babies. But let’s not name them anything like Avi or Ike.”

“Is there a reason behind that?” Azura asked as she laid her head on her lover's shoulder.

“I'll tell you later.” Corrin promised. She clasped Azura's hand up before kissing the knuckles to her lips. “How about before we have kids, we get married first?”

Azura grinned before throwing her arms around Corrin in a rough hug. Laughing they ended up being startled when a painful shout sounded below them. Popping their heads below the thicket, they grinned at Keaton who was nursing his bloody forehead.

“Sorry, wolfboy!”

 

* * *

 

“Knights of Faith bring hope to no one.”

“Nights of Faith? I would hope that hope still rises with the sun in the morning despite the shadows that linger in the darkness.”

“You really are the light of my light.”

 

* * *

 

Azura wakes up unsettled, heart racing, unsure and terrified. Propping herself up on her elbows, she looked around her shared bedroom as she swept back her tangled hair from around her face and neck to a broad swath behind her back. Running her hands against the sheets on Corrin’s side, she felt how cool they felt to the touch and knew that Corrin had left for a while.

“Corrin?” She called out.

“I’ll be there in a sec.” Corrin answered back, before the clink of porcelain sounded like a cup against a saucer before a dull thud. It hit what Azura assumed was the end table by the sofa chair. It was early in the hours between dusk and dawn; it hardly surprised her that Corrin would sneak out to have an late night cup of tea in the dark. Dropping back down on the bed with a creak, she listened to the noises as Corrin made her way back to the bed.

Azura smiled when she heard Corrin trip over something, soft curses sounding out in the dark before a hand smacked into the bed frame. She felt the hand slid against the mattress and search her out before patting her shoulder before withdrawing as Corrin sat on the bed. More patting sounds commenced as Corrin looked for the bedside table before a drawer open and closed as a rustling sound was retrieved.

A match was scoffed, and Corrin’s face appeared in the dark creepily before it lit the oil lamp and caused the room to erupt in a small glow. Adjusting the light, Corrin absentmindedly waved the match out, and before Azura could grab it, flicked it into the darkness of the room.

“Damn it, Corrin. I told you to stop flicking matches in the room. We live in a treehouse.” The dread fighter complained before lightly kidney punching Corrin in the back. Corrin mock growled before leaning back on an arm and dropping a kiss on her temple. Azura laughed before catching Corrin’s lips in a nip and tangling her hands in the other’s pearl tresses and snagging the hair tie. With a deft pull, she pulled the tie out which left those beautiful locks around their faces like a wedding veil.

“Hey.”

“Hey yourself.” Azura returned before adding: “I missed you, it was cold.” _And I was afraid, and terrified because you weren’t here with me._

Corrin smiled as she brushed her knuckles against the Nohrian princess’ face, hands tender and caring and filled with warmth. “Well, my liege. I had missed you too.”

Punctuating that statement with a kiss, she undid the knot on her shawl with one hand and slipped it from her shoulders with nothing more than a shrug. The oil lamp highlighted the breadth of her nude torso as she smiled devilishly at her lover as she slid underneath the blankets. Straddling the other, Corrin hummed as she feathered her fingers down the length of her lover’s torso, nipples teasingly harden in response.

She stopped right above the black panties that donned across curved hips that she was straddling. Sliding her fingers across the top of that panty line, Corrin rocked her hips before leaning forward and above Azura, arms bracketing around the shoulders of her lover.

“How about I passionately steal your breath away?” Corrin said huskily before diving down.

 

* * *

 

Azura ran her fingers through her lover and best friend’s hair, using her nails to scratch at the scalp and to move it away from her face despite it moving back. They had both calmed down and were just laying there enjoying the closeness that comes from their intimate coupling, love engaging and breaths mixing. Her lover liked to listen to her heartbeat, had told her she found it soothing to listen to when going to bed.

Corrin sighed, it bringing a wake of goosebumps across her chest. “There’s a story I want to tell you. A long wake upon wakes ago, when the lands had no borders, and lands were owned under kings of old and foretold. There were three sons, and one son was given a promise that were he to heed the call of the High Dragon, and leave his countrymen and forsake the land that birthed him, he will be given boons in his honor.

“That he will be great and from his loins would be a great nation that would bless his name and be bless in return, and curse those who curse his. Many wakes later, when he was old and the wife was as old for many lustrums that copper exchanged for silver, did they have a son, a son that would bring about an entire civilization, for his father had heeded the call as the one.

“This child would see one lustrum and one triennial summers together before he would be lead a mountain brought there by his father, heed to another request by the High Dragon for the father was a Knight of Faith—”

“—This isn’t about Odin, is it?” Azura asked.

“The fact you mentioned Odin while we’re naked and in bed makes me want to hit you.” Corrin said as she sat up beside Azura, hands idly plaiting braids before continuing her story.

“After Avi, the father who heeded another request by the High Dragon, brought his son to the mountain. It was a long and tedious journey, but Avi and Ike, the son had made it to the top where they met at the leyline across from the thorn bushes lapped by an ancient tree, withered and old. And then the High Dragon spoke, and you know what he said.” Corrin started.

“No, what did he said?” Azura asked, eyes watching the outline of her lover as she spoke her tale.

Corrin leaned forward, lips brushing Azura’s ear as she used her hands to hand on the mattress behind Azura. She whispered:

“And the High Dragon said, ‘Kiss your loved one on the head.’”

_Chaste kiss on the cheek._

“‘Hold their head as if they were the babe in your arms.’”

_Hands slid to cup cheeks before cradling her head, kneading her neck and scalp._

“‘And then… sacrifice their breath to me.’”

_And Corrin pressed down._

Azura jerked up from underneath, hands reaching up to clutch at Corrin’s wrists, eyes tearing up as she struggled to breathe. She gasped, clawing at the other’s wrists, drawing blood, trying to fight back from the unexpected attack. Legs kicking, she knocked her attacker slightly loose enough to squeeze a couple fingers between her neck and the hands choking her.

Sucking in deep breaths, she looked up through watery eyes to look at her lover’s face who was just as tear-streaked and miserable as hers. “W-why?” She coughed out, spittle flying and catching on her chin but she didn’t care because this betrayal hurt deep. Deeper than she thought possible.

“The High Dragon spoke to me, many nights ago.” Corrin began, faltering. “My faith is strong but I am not a Knight of Faith, I am a knight of infinite resignation. Avi was great, he is forever great for doing what he must without hesitation. He was killing his entire lineage through Ike, but his faith in the High Dragon is insurmountable. And he brought Ike back to life, after Avi sacrificed a goat found in the bushes near the withered and ancient tree.

“But I believe that the High Dragon will bring you back. Just like he did with Avi and Ike.” Corrin finished before rising up on her knees and pressing down, down, down on Azura’s neck that she used to plant kisses against, and tangled her fingers in the baby hairs that grew at the nape, and blow raspberries when she found Azura sleeping in after noon.

Azura gasped wetly before the spots in her vision took her away. Corrin watched her with blurry eyes, and when she couldn’t feel her lover move anymore she leaned forward to rest her forehead on her still chest, hoping that the High Dragon would bring her back with no memory of this horrid event. Extracting her hands from Azura’s neck, she reached up shakily to thumb off the moist tears that were glimmering like trails of fire in the light of the oil lamp. Using the shawl that had clung to the mattress despite the struggle, she used it to clean her lover’s face and hers before sliding out of the sheets.

Sitting on the side of the mattress, she pulled the blankets up the Azura’s chin hoping that when (if, her mind betrayed, there was never any guarantee that she was going to come back) Azura came back she would be warm. Sleep warm, and that the whole ordeal was nothing but a nightmare that affected them both. Brushing Azura’s bangs aside, she planted a soft kiss on her forehead before getting up from the bed to dwell in the chair to watch over.

Collapsing in the chair, she dropped her head in her hands as she fisted her hair from her scalp but chuckled bitterly as she leaned back in the cushions as she brought up her legs and folded them underneath her. Dragging a duvet over her naked body, she stared straight ahead towards Azura as she waited for the High Dragon to revive her lover.

“But it may never be.” She whispered in the deathly silence of the room, air still and heavy. Corrin’s eyes glazed over as she watched the bed as she ran the killing (no, it was murder wasn’t it?) She murdered her, murdered the only one who loved her unconditionally, why did she kill, it couldn’t be because of that night days ago, could it?

Was she always a murderer, always planning the death of her loved one, is this the fate of her lovers, why couldn’t she tell that she was planning to murder Azura, or that she was planning the deaths of everyone in camp? What happened? What was happening to her? Who was she, was she even herself anymore, or was this her true self coming out after gathering information on everyone she had made allies with.

Corrin looked at her hands, seeing them flicker from being clean to being stained with the blood of all her allies that she murdered in their sleep. She didn’t know who she was anymore, she vaguely thought as flashes of last night’s killings streamed past her consciousness before she covered her ears as they started to ring, louder and louder.

Corrin screamed.

 

* * *

 

Corrin pulled on some light clothing, duvet having long since swept over the night-cooled body of Azura having been laid to rest hours ago, and Corrin having been broken over both her faith and in her trust of herself. She shakily swept her hair over her shoulder, before looking over her shoulder at the bed before making way to the door. She had to bury the bodies of her comrades and give them the best burial rights she could manage by her lonesome.

Opening the door, she was blinded by the dawn’s early light as she stepped through and closed the door behind her but it was all it took before she was pinned to the door by Grim Yato. Grabbing the sword that was impaled through her, she sagged before she smiled at the face in front of her, her bloody hands trying to find purchase on the door. Coughing, she tasted blood and felt it dribble from the corners of her mouth.

“Hey, you came back to me.” Corrin whispered, as she reached forward to cup Azura’s cheek, not caring that she was lodging herself further on the sword in Azura’s hands. Stepping forward, she felt no pain as she brought Azura into her arms, legs giving out from under them as they sank to the ground. Leaning against her beautiful, beautiful timeless angel she started to tear up.

“I won’t let you forgive me.” Corrin gasped out.

“I know.” Azura whispered back, free hand bringing her lover’s head down to her shoulder, and clutching beautiful locks. Eyes squeeze shut, she tried to stifle a sob but hiccupped in denial that it all had to end this way. All because of the one in the third realm.

All the victims of Corrin’s mass-killings were still alive from the efforts of Nyx, Odin, and Ophelia who provided the doppelgangers which vanished as soon as Azura broke the seal she had for each of them. The only forewarning when Yato appeared in front of her during her evening walk which made her close her eyes in grief. Corrin’s crimes were to die with her as well.

“I’m glad I got to see you one last time.”

“I know.”

“I wanted to make him happy, he was so, so angry.”

“Ssh… I know.”

“I love you.”

“I know.” Azura sobbed, hands releasing the blade that seeped the life from her Corrin, hands soothing but staining her pearl hair with red streaks as she sobbed, cries hitching with desperate gasps, rocking Corrin’s body back and forth in denial. There was no one else here to hear her cries to bring her lover back, to end this nightmare.

 

* * *

 

Azura glanced up at the tall doors leading to the Hoshidan throne room, her hands grasping Yato. She was here to finish what Corrin started, and then move on to the next reality.

One where Corrin was hopefully free from the terrors and nightmares that caused her to break. One where Azura would watch better, and stop it before it took hold. To save Corrin from herself.

  


 

_Fin._

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the Keiregaard's ethic and religious differences between a Knight of Faith, known as Abraham from the Christian bible who was able to sacrifice his son, Isaac, to God who revived Isaac later that night if Abraham sacrificed a goat instead; and a Knight of Infinite Resignation, a different Abraham who wasn't able to sacrifice Isaac without repercussions to both Abraham and Isaac.


End file.
